Thursday, July 14, 2005

Beat the Gayness Away

If you missed this Onion article from a couple weeks ago, it’s well worth the read. It’s The Onion at its best.


SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Citing "something vaguely effeminate" about his eight-month-old son Michael, first-time father Joe Oebrick, 32, reported Tuesday that he suspects the infant may be a homosexual.

[….]

Among the many "small signs" that suggest that his son may be gay, Oebrick cited a home video in which the toddler crawls across the living-room carpet of the family's suburban Scottsdale home, wiggling his hips from side to side.

"I don't think it's normal for a baby to move like that," said Oebrick, wincing as the infant paused and flapped an arm in the air. "Don't you think that's a little strange?"

According to Oebrick, Michael has an excessive fondness for bright colors and "things that sparkle."

"Sequins, glitter, feathers," said the recent father, listing some of the things that Michael likes. "And he really likes flowers."

According to Oebrick, Michael is fussy during meals and picky about his clothes. When he hurts himself, he "cries like a baby." Additionally, the toddler has a "very strong attraction" to a stuffed lion with a rainbow-striped mane, an apparent preference for bottle-feeding over breastfeeding, and an evident love for bouncing up and down in his jumper device "like some guy at a club."

[…]

Oebrick said he doubts that strangers can even tell that Michael is a boy when they first meet him, but he acknowledged that this is not his biggest concern. According to the recent father, his most urgent concern is the confused baby's constant need to suck on a pacifier.

"That can't be right. Can it?" Oebrick said.

Oebrick said he first began to worry about Michael's sexual orientation when the boy was two months old.

"He would giggle constantly," Oebrick said. "And he had a very weak handshake."

Oebrick recalled the first time he saw his newborn child smile.

"Obviously, I was thrilled," Oebrick said. "But the thing is, he kept on smiling. He'd smile through breakfast, he'd smile in his car seat, he'd smile at strangers. It was excessive. It was around then I started to think, 'What if Michael can't help himself?'"

According to Oebrick, there were several months during which the infant's head would wobble if it wasn't supported by an adult.

"He was always swinging his head around," Oebrick said. "Our pediatrician told me it was normal, but it seemed pretty... well, gay."

Oebrick's worries were renewed last month during a Memorial Day cookout, when Michael "seemed too interested in my buddies," staring at them for long intervals.

"My friend Ben was bouncing Michael on his knee, and he was giggling and drooling like crazy," Oebrick said. "That didn't bother me so much, but when Ben put him down, Michael started crawling after every other guy at the party, giggling and grabbing at their pants legs like crazy."

"It was like he was the belle of the ball," Oebrick said. "When Rob played peek-a-boo with him, he got so excited he actually wet his pants."

Hilarious.

Unfortunately, the story also tragically mirrors recent events in Tampa.

A 21 year old Tampa man is charged with murder after his 3-year old son was pummeled into unconsciousness and then died.

Ronnie Paris Jr. went on trial for his own life this week in a Tampa courtroom. The toddler's mother, Nysheerah Paris, testified that her husband thought the boy might be gay and would force him to box.

Nysheerah Paris told the court that Paris would make the boy fight with him, slapping the child in the head until he cried or wet himself. She said that on one occasion Paris slammed the child against a wall because he was vomiting.

The court was told there had been a history of abuse by Paris. Prosecutor Jalal Harb said that in 2002, the Florida Department of Children & Families placed the child in protective custody after he had been admitted to the hospital several times for vomiting.

He was returned to his parents Dec. 14. A month later he went into a coma and was rushed to hospital. Six days later he was removed from life support and died. An autopsy showed there was swelling on both sides of his brain.

"He was trying to teach him how to fight,'' Nysheerah Paris' sister, Shanita Powell told the court. "He was concerned that the child might be gay.''

5 Comments:

At July 18, 2005 at 7:23 a.m., Anonymous Andrew said...

I'd read about the latter story on Fark. The general consensus there was "people should have licences to breed" and "I hope he enjoys it at federal Pound-You-In-The-Ass prison". Though it's a bit pedestrian, I tend to agree with these sorts of comments. It's people like Mr. Paris and his wife Nysheerah (wow...do continental Africans actually have names like that? If so, then that's okay, but if not...what the hell? Not trying to be a cultural elitist here, but...gah!) that give humanity a bad name in my books, and make me lose all faith in humanity.

 
At December 28, 2015 at 1:28 a.m., Blogger oakleyses said...

louis vuitton outlet, tiffany and co, burberry outlet, gucci handbags, louis vuitton, nike outlet, christian louboutin, ugg boots, michael kors outlet, prada outlet, longchamp outlet, nike air max, polo ralph lauren outlet online, kate spade outlet, christian louboutin outlet, prada handbags, ray ban sunglasses, louis vuitton outlet, michael kors outlet online, longchamp outlet, burberry handbags, tory burch outlet, christian louboutin shoes, replica watches, cheap oakley sunglasses, michael kors outlet online, tiffany jewelry, longchamp outlet, michael kors outlet online, uggs outlet, michael kors outlet online, oakley sunglasses wholesale, polo outlet, jordan shoes, ray ban sunglasses, uggs outlet, oakley sunglasses, louis vuitton outlet, oakley sunglasses, replica watches, uggs on sale, oakley sunglasses, chanel handbags, michael kors outlet, louis vuitton, ugg boots, nike air max

 
At December 28, 2015 at 1:30 a.m., Blogger oakleyses said...

sac longchamp pas cher, nike free run, lululemon canada, longchamp pas cher, nike air max uk, kate spade, true religion outlet, sac hermes, polo lacoste, air max, north face, sac vanessa bruno, true religion outlet, louboutin pas cher, coach purses, nike free uk, replica handbags, nike blazer pas cher, timberland pas cher, oakley pas cher, new balance, polo ralph lauren, ray ban uk, true religion jeans, coach outlet store online, michael kors pas cher, vans pas cher, nike air max, nike roshe run uk, nike air max uk, mulberry uk, hollister pas cher, coach outlet, true religion outlet, abercrombie and fitch uk, north face uk, michael kors, michael kors outlet, hogan outlet, hollister uk, nike air force, guess pas cher, ralph lauren uk, nike roshe, burberry pas cher, converse pas cher, ray ban pas cher, michael kors, jordan pas cher

 
At December 28, 2015 at 1:31 a.m., Blogger oakleyses said...

soccer shoes, mcm handbags, ipad cases, iphone 6s cases, mac cosmetics, jimmy choo outlet, ralph lauren, iphone 6 cases, north face outlet, nike trainers uk, louboutin, insanity workout, reebok outlet, oakley, new balance shoes, hollister, p90x workout, iphone cases, iphone 5s cases, babyliss, iphone 6 plus cases, instyler, giuseppe zanotti outlet, asics running shoes, nike roshe run, mont blanc pens, soccer jerseys, longchamp uk, north face outlet, chi flat iron, hollister clothing, vans outlet, lululemon, s6 case, nike air max, valentino shoes, iphone 6s plus cases, hermes belt, celine handbags, bottega veneta, timberland boots, ferragamo shoes, baseball bats, ghd hair, beats by dre, abercrombie and fitch, wedding dresses, nfl jerseys, herve leger, nike huaraches

 
At December 28, 2015 at 1:33 a.m., Blogger oakleyses said...

karen millen uk, pandora jewelry, moncler, moncler outlet, canada goose outlet, pandora jewelry, moncler, barbour, doudoune moncler, supra shoes, hollister, canada goose, moncler, ugg uk, toms shoes, pandora uk, marc jacobs, converse outlet, canada goose jackets, canada goose uk, links of london, juicy couture outlet, ugg pas cher, moncler, canada goose outlet, doke gabbana, replica watches, canada goose outlet, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, louis vuitton, vans, swarovski, gucci, louis vuitton, wedding dresses, thomas sabo, juicy couture outlet, nike air max, canada goose, ray ban, pandora charms, ugg, moncler uk, montre pas cher, converse, hollister, moncler outlet, louis vuitton, coach outlet, louis vuitton, barbour uk, louis vuitton, swarovski crystal

 

Post a Comment

<< Home